Brain update

it's been awhile.

i guess i'm not doing very well, im not evn really sure right now.
This has never happened before, i've never been so mean to you (in my head) and so annoyed by you. what is going on? why is this happening? it's very.. not good.

i deleted your number, finally, the other night. it was a good move on my part.
i should probably delete some others from my phone but your absense will be fine for now.

everyone annoys me alot and disgusts me alot.

i think i bore everyone i know. horrible thoughts go thru my head a lot and i get controllably sad (i cant spell, i dont feel like fuckin spell checking right now either so fuck it!)and i dont talk.
i talk a lot less than i use to. a lottttt less. enough that i can tell. it's not like i even use to talk alot.
i cant kill myself, i dont even feel motivation to, not even sure if you need motivation to do that.

i guess i'm done with this post. it's nothing like i wanted it to be but thats how it always is

brain Update

I've been dating Sam since 9/16 and it's been goin pretty gewd.
my brain is pretty stable.
sometimes i feel like im walking on ice but usually im stable.

im not as high as i would like to be. fuck it.

thoughts.

depressed at the moment. everything is mixed up in my head. i want to talk to you but it just fucks me up or maybe i just fuck myself up.
i want my pills. it's only 8:30 tho. i get them atleast at 9
-_-
fuck fuck fuuuuuck

i keep wanting to cut but i dont. i over analzye wanting to cut and then i just get more depressed. i cut more when im angry. cutting just makes me more angry now. thoughts that run thru my head while cutting= "wtf, they arent deep enough! there arent enough of them! you are fat! failure failure failure!" and so on and so on.

i keep taking diet pills. i like them alot. i like how weak and shakey they make me. i like how they make me feel drugged. i like how they make me turn purple sometimes.

i hate clothes. they piss me off so bad. i want to bum every school day. PJs and hoodies. thats what i wanna do. but i cant. i even look like shit in my PJs. yhup, yay me.
i look fat in everything. alotta my pants dont fit me anymore. i want to die.
when looking for an outfit i end up just laying on the floor or on my bed.

loops loops loops. my mind is a roller coaster.
you arent coming with me. i know its nothing personal but my head took it wrong. i'm all alone but im not.
i keep thinking about killing myself and then getting all teary eyed. "what would they do with my clothes? how bad would jessie cry? what would my cat think if i never came home? what would everyone think? who would come? why......?"

dykey or boyish?

today
day 4:
152

ate: a salad with crispy chicken (no dressing) and a slice of turkey
jogged 6 mins. walked 14 mins

today was good and then got bad.
i feel used. like you were using me for my car to drive you to go get cigs.
i guess i always look like i'm in a bad mood and then people point it out and then i actually get in a bad mood. im fucked up. it makes me want to go away. -_-

kimmie is back!!!

day 3
today: (got fat)

down to 153 (lost 7 pounds)

ate= half a can of tuna, a banana, chocolate skin cow (140 cals.)

no running

8/20/2008

yesterday= jogged 4 mins. walked 21 mins
same thing today

day 2
(today)
6 cracker sandwichs, 1 cookie
i should get like.. an apple when im hungry or something. not a bunch of carbs. bleh!

yesterday i ate like.... 6 bow tie noodles.
today... like... 3 crackers.
i want to shove my face, im so bored. im not even hungry so fuck it.
time to run.
it's the new cure for hunger. WOOOOOOO
-_-

9/27/2008