thoughts.

depressed at the moment. everything is mixed up in my head. i want to talk to you but it just fucks me up or maybe i just fuck myself up.
i want my pills. it's only 8:30 tho. i get them atleast at 9
-_-
fuck fuck fuuuuuck

i keep wanting to cut but i dont. i over analzye wanting to cut and then i just get more depressed. i cut more when im angry. cutting just makes me more angry now. thoughts that run thru my head while cutting= "wtf, they arent deep enough! there arent enough of them! you are fat! failure failure failure!" and so on and so on.

i keep taking diet pills. i like them alot. i like how weak and shakey they make me. i like how they make me feel drugged. i like how they make me turn purple sometimes.

i hate clothes. they piss me off so bad. i want to bum every school day. PJs and hoodies. thats what i wanna do. but i cant. i even look like shit in my PJs. yhup, yay me.
i look fat in everything. alotta my pants dont fit me anymore. i want to die.
when looking for an outfit i end up just laying on the floor or on my bed.

loops loops loops. my mind is a roller coaster.
you arent coming with me. i know its nothing personal but my head took it wrong. i'm all alone but im not.
i keep thinking about killing myself and then getting all teary eyed. "what would they do with my clothes? how bad would jessie cry? what would my cat think if i never came home? what would everyone think? who would come? why......?"

dykey or boyish?

today
day 4:
152

ate: a salad with crispy chicken (no dressing) and a slice of turkey
jogged 6 mins. walked 14 mins

today was good and then got bad.
i feel used. like you were using me for my car to drive you to go get cigs.
i guess i always look like i'm in a bad mood and then people point it out and then i actually get in a bad mood. im fucked up. it makes me want to go away. -_-

kimmie is back!!!